Tuesday, August 15, 2006

“To be or not to be is the question”
I don’t think I had fully understood the import of the statement before. While Hamlet said this with respect to his existence literally, I say it metaphorically (thank god!). How does an extremely head strong and conscience-worshipping person ever face this dilemma??? I wish I knew.

It is a lousy feeling- knowing how much you don’t know. What makes it lousier is the lack of knowledge about your own self. Ignorance of one’s self renders all other knowledge void.

A journey in life with a quest for something is what I had hoped for and that is exactly what I am getting. Except, I started off knowing what my quest was, and now I no longer claim to know. Discovery of self is the most beautiful experience one can go through. But what makes it hard is no being able to impose conditions. “I am what I am” – but when I discover something that does not “gel” with the rest of me, what am I to do?? Should I ward it off because it is stopping me from being myself?? Or should I be “honest” and accept myself for who I really am??
It is one thing to be deluded about the world but it is quite different being deluded about one’s self.

To question the basis of your existence……that’s like drilling a hole in the foundation of a building and expecting it to stand strong. I no longer know where I come from or where I am headed to.

A life filled with rhetoric and metaphors- nothing concrete-not even my fears! There is something one needs to hold on to. I thought I knew what it was for me-myself. The only thing I trusted. But I guess in a life filled with rhetoric, trust is just another word.

To experience failure in its truest sense is to disappoint one’s self…..i have achieved that. There is no one to blame and there is no one to whom I am answerable. A sense of melting into space……

With whatever little is left of me, I need to find what I have already lost. That, unfortunately, is my quest now- I need to find MYSELF.