ummm....errr.....well...

i think i'm back to rambling.......come to think of it, it is quite hard to just go on rambling. one of the reasons i find solace in poetry i guess. it is just that much more easier to write something that probably makes sense only to you and dodge any questions with a cryptic "poetic license." quite presumptuous to assume the title of a poet, i know, but what the heck, you can feel good about yourself once in a while!!!

i thought i had an agenda even for this "rambling" but little surprise that i have already forgotten what it was. one thing i'd like to admit here is that i have always been jealous of the million bloggers out there who can ramble on endlessly and actually make sense. people who care enough have asked me this a few times-"why poetry?" and fewer people think its quite a snobbish thing to do, have a blog for "poetry." in any case, i myself haven't figured the "why."

it is just so hard to maintain focus while writing!!! i know for a fact that i lack the ability to translate my ever-flitting thoughts into text; which is why the green-eyed monster is born in the first place. with poetry (rather my idea of poetry) it is simpler because it is graphic and you just have to find a line for the image you conjure. to me that is so much easier than trying to explain my images in simple, crisp and concise english.

this brings my focus to the genral idea of poetry. going by my (albeit flawed) line of thought, poetry is much simpler than prose, contrary to popular opinion. i can imagine the great poets of our age turning in their graves listening to this statement. it was just a passing thought, i don't quite agree with it myself. i don't think the different forms of writing are comparable, although, i do think poetry leaves a wider scope for interpretation. so now the reader (my sympathies with you, dear friend) may ask me why the hell i made a statement without believing in it myself....well i guess i was trying to be a "responsible journalist" by giving both sides of the story, if at all there is one to begin with.

my computer screen tells me i have managed to generate four paragraphs with this word concoction of mine....i think i will do myself a favour by not reading it else my conscience would force me to be merciful to any potential reader and delete this post immediately.

well thats that then....the effort to generate a more sensible rambling is on. i too shall succeed someday......someday...

The crack of dawn-
ahead of me lies a day of hope
of the many accomplishments
of the impossible dreams
A sense of calm prevails.

A routine to stick to
a "things-to-do" list,
and of course the routine of
burning ambitions, muted dejections
and hopeless yearnings.

And the security of that routine.
a fierce sense of self protection
a mocking masochistic pride
a frightened, lost traveller.

In the dim light of dawn
i gather myself.
the rational world beckons-
an insane beckoning.
A different me for every dawn.
A sense of calm prevails.

“To be or not to be is the question”
I don’t think I had fully understood the import of the statement before. While Hamlet said this with respect to his existence literally, I say it metaphorically (thank god!). How does an extremely head strong and conscience-worshipping person ever face this dilemma??? I wish I knew.

It is a lousy feeling- knowing how much you don’t know. What makes it lousier is the lack of knowledge about your own self. Ignorance of one’s self renders all other knowledge void.

A journey in life with a quest for something is what I had hoped for and that is exactly what I am getting. Except, I started off knowing what my quest was, and now I no longer claim to know. Discovery of self is the most beautiful experience one can go through. But what makes it hard is no being able to impose conditions. “I am what I am” – but when I discover something that does not “gel” with the rest of me, what am I to do?? Should I ward it off because it is stopping me from being myself?? Or should I be “honest” and accept myself for who I really am??
It is one thing to be deluded about the world but it is quite different being deluded about one’s self.

To question the basis of your existence……that’s like drilling a hole in the foundation of a building and expecting it to stand strong. I no longer know where I come from or where I am headed to.

A life filled with rhetoric and metaphors- nothing concrete-not even my fears! There is something one needs to hold on to. I thought I knew what it was for me-myself. The only thing I trusted. But I guess in a life filled with rhetoric, trust is just another word.

To experience failure in its truest sense is to disappoint one’s self…..i have achieved that. There is no one to blame and there is no one to whom I am answerable. A sense of melting into space……

With whatever little is left of me, I need to find what I have already lost. That, unfortunately, is my quest now- I need to find MYSELF.

Phew.....!!!!

It’s amazing how you stay in a college for three years, are in awe of your lecturer and not know anything about the way he actually thinks. I know this line sounds like idle rambling but there are a few people who, if they ever read this, would probably understand what I am saying. I’m taking about my HOD…..I mean I always had this image of him being the epitome of patience and this super sensible guy who was so disconnected from his surroundings that he could comment on it from an outsider’s perspective-“without being involved”. I put these words in quotes because that’s how he projected himself…..a no nonsense guy who’d not get into any personal conversation with his students for anything in the world. I just happened to read his blog and to think he’d say something like he was missing our class, the flash of images of our class on an average day, proposing a class reunion and actually talking about his frustration…..I’m just dumbfounded. I honestly thought it was impossible for Naresh to actually acknowledge the fact that he could be affected by his students. And for such a guy to write something on his blog which is open to anybody who cares to read it, I’m just over whelmed. For the first time I probably saw things his way, removed the tag of “HOD” and saw him speak like any normal guy.
So this guy, who I thought preferred to remain disconnected, actually feels so deeply about things. This obviously wouldn’t be possible if he didn’t take things personally. I just wish he were more expressive about it before. I don’t know how much of a difference it would have made but still I some how wish he had. Guess hadn’t felt so bad till date about leaving college.
There’s nothing terribly informative here…..but just had to let my thoughts out!

I meant to write about life,
About its fickleness.

Doom in a perforated dome
And a fine perforation at that-
A magical canopy of light and dark
A life time spent in demystifying
and inching towards it.

A temptation it must be,
This doom-
Driving us to grope in the dark
Enticing us to indulge in novelty
Luring us to the abyss yonder-
All along cajoling us,
Leading us by our hand,
Deluding us into achieving a destination.

Yet-
I grope, I indulge
I am lured, I am deluded.

I meant to write about life,
About its fickleness.

Memory

the time has come
for us to part
to take a stroll
in the vast expanse of memory.

to try and enumerate
the countless moments
of mirth and gloom
to relive them
debate whether or not to change them.
but remain it will
untouched and unchanged
etched in our hearts forever.

part we must
to seek our own paths-
to make more memories
to embark on adventures,
with hope and eagerness
find our haven;
trust that we meet again-

for meet we shall
to brighten the dark lanes of memory.

Mercy killing

dont walk away from me......
stop-
you know i will follow you.
i'm chasing you in this maze;
o! this familiar maze!
how many times have we passed this?
these memories engulfing me like quick sand.
o stop!!!
i have to reach you!
i have to kill you!
stab you-bury you in a site i will never visit.

o! i beg you!
do not drag me into this meander
of dreams,aspirations and ideals-
all gone.
stabbed,dead,buried.

there-got you!!
packaged and delivered, you will be
to the desolate site awaiting you.
i shant look at you again.
not until weariness derides me
till then-
off you go my darling
far,far from the maddening crowd.

The irony of justice.......???

the concept of justice has always fasciated me....like so many other terms,this too is subjective.so when we submit ourselves to a system of justice,what is it that we are expecting??
lets have a look at two cases.
case 1-an indian working in saudi has been in jail for the past three years on the charges of damaging one eye of a saudi national.after 3 years in jail,the victim's family have pleaded to the king that they'd like one eye of the accused gouged out,a a form of justice-this mind you after 3 years in jail.
case 2-the recent murder case of a call centre employee-raped and brutally murdered.there is a huge line of protestors demanding capital punishment for the perpetrator of crime......a "justified" protest i guess....
of course we are looking at two different incidents in two different countries following two different political ideologies.but my concern is "justice" being a universal term

when one is deciding a certain punishment for a certain crime,it is important to remember the consequence of the decision.in the 1st case,the plaintiff realised he/she wanted "an eye for an eye" after 3 years-the fact being the case was dragged in the courts for 3 years during which the accused was behind bars.so is the plaintiff's demand "just"?the point here is not to play the blame game....{i dont think either of them are to be blamed in any case}

in case 2,the hype that the case has managed to stir promises a speedy redressal but thee are millions of such cases waiting to be addressed;in which case it doesnt matter if its india,saudi or america.the essence of the matter being the fact that the perpetrators of crime,many a time end up paying far more than they ought to.this is not a mercy plea or another human rights activist in the making......this is a take on the myriad injustices that asre being done on a dadily basis which can be avoided.of course it would take a supremely compassionate person to sympathise with people who are guilty of a crime like rape and murder;who serve 7-8 years in jail while the case is being dragged on and eventually receive capital punishment.it somehow seems "just" that the perpetrator of so heinious a crime underwent such an ordeal.but what about a theif,eho's made away with a sizable bounty without causing any harm to human life?is it justified that these people struggle in jails for 3-4 years and on hearing their case they are awarded a couple of years to serve in prison?now,that isnt much......2 yrs for a theft...pretty fair i guess???but who would account for the already lost years of the guilty?

evenually,the issue would lead us to starting the blame game........government inefficiency,judicial inefficiency,police inefficiency,over crowded courts,corruption,expensive lawyers..........the list is never ending.the outcome,however,is status quo.despite the innumerable debates that spark up nothing ever materialises.the result-injustice continues.again the burden of the injustice is shouldered by the unfortunate beings who cannot afford bail n sure the creme of them manage to get away.

the point of this rather long discourse is this-being "unjustly" just is a no-win situation anyway so whats the fuss all about??

A Momentary Rapture

he came by,
when she anticipated it the least.
like a gale
he swept her off her feet.
off they went
to lands she had no knowledge of.

it didn't matter to her;
what did was,she was flying-
finally!!!
doing what she believed possible
for ever since she could remember.
nothing could convince her against it;
not the sciences nor the philosophies.

for a moment it did irk her-
she could not take off on her own
HE made her do it.

she scorned now,at those who once scorned,
vanity led her to believe this was eternal;
alas! Newton got the better of her
she landed on the once familiar lands.

A hopeless romantic!!!!

there i stood looking;
the first rays make contact with the waves
wasn't that a caress?
i see the waves sparkle-a smile
i wonder if i stand in front of a mirror.
reluctantly i turn to leave,
trying to reason my longing.
then i chide myself;
reason is not something i know anymore!
i turn around-
the waves are sparkling brighter than ever!!

A Lovelorn Woman

i'm sitting in the park
wondering what to do next.
i hear the chirping birds
the lush green grass makes me glow
i watch the kids screaming and squabbling
a toddler walks up to me
followed by his mother
i smile-
suddenly i decipher the illusion
the place around me turns to a desert
miles of barren land-
the noise and voices are drifting away.
the sun is furious
the heat seeps through my skin
crying hysterically i look around-
all i hear is a faint laugh.

In Memoriam

as i walked through the dark lanes
i pondered-how could it be?
ages have passed since we parted
still i breathe, continue to exist
i've achieved something i never thought i could-
never desired to achieve it either.

as i go deeper into the lanes,it dawns-
days have passed and will continue to pass
i survive till something gets the better of me-
oughtn't i to survive in guilt then?
to writhe,wriggle and wait-
wait an endless wait
wait for pain,joy,anguish,desire
and the result-
what then,do i derive from life?
nothing-
all its nothingness in one blow.

should i move on?i need a destination-
to reach,seek and attain
but-
i'd rather wait an endless wait.

The Spirit of Solitude

I've often wondered how most people do not explore the joy of solitude.for ever since i can remember,most pieces of literature that i've read,talk about solitude with a sense of hollowness.i'm not debating this representation of solitude;merely exploring the term.its amazing what a change in perception can do to our understanding of a term.the only catch being that most of us are blessed with an innate need to resist change.

to me,what follows logically is that by not experiencing these raptures of solitude we are holding ourselves back from knowing ourselves completely.antidiluvian as it may sound,ever tried waking up one morning and taking a long walk,going for a swim or even for that matter reading a book?and doing all this just for your own sake and nothing else?its like feeling the space of a stage before performimg on it......its something so personal that its almost impossible to put it down in words(a refuge for my crippled sense of writing).its the moment when you think-this is it-life's perfect!

now,to the very pertinent question-where is all this heading?frankly,its the simple fact that i see so many people around me spending their lives without actually experiencing the joy being with one's self.the purpose of this bit is to urge its readers to try and experience this wonderful feeling-to reach out to that solitary reaper who is blissfully happy in her own world.

Road to perdition...??!!!!!

i woke up in a delirium this morning....there it was-vanishing into thin air!!for the hundreth time i could see this happening.my solely copyrighted possession-my dreams(!!)-off they were again at the very point i wanted to hold on to them.argh!how frustrating! and its the same dream everyday-every single day of juvenile teenage life.

well nothing exceptional about this dream-its what every foolish,fantasising,stupid girl would dream of-the perfect man. now are u surprised that it was a "dream"?now do u realise why i was desperately trying to hold on to it?come now,i'm sure u r smarter than that!!!

the point is that sadly i'm no longer a teenager nor am i juvenile(or so i'd like to believe) yet that dream has as much value to me as my first tom cruise poster(had a tough time parting with that one!).what is absolutely amazing is that the female species is blessed with this vivacious imagination;specially when it comes to the man in their lives(or is it"men"??).i've never met,seen or even heard of a girl who doesnt have a "how shud he be" list.{as of now i'd not want to talk abt the self actualised women who have shun their lists and "settled" for what they have....its the ultimate reality we're subconmsciously prepared to face!!}

i've always wanted to "deconstruct" the female brain and closely examine it....that's again a fancy-nothing more.i know better than to get lost in that labyrinth!!switching gears and getting in sync with reality;i'd say just spot a sensible guy and go for him!(with all due respect to men)i strongly appeal to my own dear species.....let your dreams remain just that-dreams!if you manage to realise this-life's just great!and lastly a piece of advice from this psuedo self actualised soul-you cant have your pie and eat it too!!!l

the real you

if one has to describe onself how would one do it?? we behave differently with different people simply because if you have to talk to someone who's not like you (more often than not thats the case) you have got to attune yourself to that person's thinking or vice versa. Individiualists might argue that they'd rather not talk to such people but i think one is able to make this decision only when the so called thought process in a person begins.what about relatinships that were established before this thought process began? its not necessary that you feel the same way now and almost wonder at times-all those moments of bliss that you experienced when you were young;what was the basis of it all??? today when you have started thinking,you cannot fathom how you even had a sort of relationship with that person.its too late to do anything about it now so you go on behaving a though it were all the same but deep down there is that voice screaming- this isnt you! when you return to "your" world of intellect and sanity and try to feel relieved,you feel the guilt instead.yet again it is your mind telling you that you had a good time after all.......so where is the consistency? where is this real you that you are so proud of?? where is the source of the thought process that you think makes you the kind of person you are? the values so dear to you..where did they come from? my issue here is the quest for the abstract that makes you "an individual" but..... does the concept exist?is man just a culmination of used and abused ideas and ideals? what is this intangible that he calls "mind" that essentially defines his existence? that which makes him different from the primates and the like.is it nothing but a cluster of advanced cells that he possesses? is there anything that he can call "his own" that has not previously originated...so what is this concept of originality? our thoughts are guided by a lot of things-our experiences,knowledge.the books we read......so is it fair to even claim that you thought of something ORIGINAL? i dont think it is.......i'd end by quoting this line from a poem- we are part of all that we meet
-alfred lord tennyson